Jane Cole Dedication

A Dedication to Jane ColeBy David W. McMillan

Jane Daniel Cole had one special talent that I clearly recognized. That talent was discernment. She had a sense of beauty, symmetry and balance. She knew how to define appropriate. In her day she was an expert on the finest furniture, which for her was antique furniture. Perhaps she inherited interest in antique furniture from her mother. From her mother she also inherited a sense of refinement and loyalty to family.

The first thing that needs to be said of Jane was the she and her husband Wilbur made a good team. Together they built the finest house in Philadelphia, Mississippi in the 1950’s. They instilled values of integrity, compassion and education in their children. They gave their children the best they had to offer. Jane sewed their clothes and taught them to sew. Wilbur hammered the nails, wired the house, tiled the bathrooms and painted the bedrooms. Together Jane and the girls earned spending money for the girls by licking tax stamps and placing them on cigarette packages. When Wilbur died at the young age of fifty he was sorely missed by all. He left Jane with a good financial base and Jane managed these resources well so that they lasted beyond her lifetime.

The qualities discernment, a sense of refinement, and loyalty to family helped define her life. She was especially devoted to her daughters. Each one of them became the central focus of Jane’s attention and energy at some point in their lives. Her daughter Elisa was her focus when Elisa was an adolescent and young adult. Carol was the center of her attention late in her first marriage, during her divorce, until she married Seymour. Susie inherited center stage when she had trouble in her marriage to Richard and has had this position until Jane’s death.

There were assets and liabilities to being the center of Jane’s attention. Generally the assets outweighed the liabilities. Elisa had the best clothes that vogue displayed and that Jane could sew. She was taken to New Orleans, Jackson and to visit family in Arkansas often. Her mind was appreciated as much as the Mississippi culture would allow. I’m not sure I know what burden Elisa carried when she was Jane’s problem child. With discernment comes judgment. Jane offered plenty of that. As discriminating as Jane was, it is hard to imagine the criticisms that might have come to the child that Jane worried about. Her mind was solving their problems constantly. Her advice was continuous.

And when it was Carol’s turn, Carols’ children were taken care of by Jane. When Carol needed her, Jane was there. She gave time, energy and money to the cause. But it had a price. Remember with discernment comes judgment and criticism.

Then it was Susan’s turn. Jane adored Susan’s husband Richard. It was hard for her to come to terms with Susan’s divorce. It was difficult for her to understand that she and Wilbur may have contributed to Susan’s pain. As the baby, Susan was the last one to cut the cord. And the one to whom Jane held the tightest. Jane was there for Susan as she was for Carol. She looked after Susan’s three boys. When Susan left Indianola for New Orleans, Jane may not have understood all Susan’s reasons but she supported her decision.

Jane had a few relationships that were undimensionally loving. Some of her grandchildren felt unconditionally loved by Jane. One relationship stands out in this regard as truly requited love. It was Jane’s love for her sister, Elizabeth, my mother, and Elizabeth’s love for Jane. Jane looked up to and respected Elizabeth. And Elizabeth always welcomed Jane’s presence. Elizabeth saw the best in Jane and felt that her daughters did not appreciate the great sacrifices that Jane made for them.

Jane was the one with the weak constitution, a heart arrhythmia. Jane required rest. She didn’t have Elizabeth’s stamina. So the two of them expected Jane to need care from Elizabeth when their health declined. Maybe Jane would move to Arkadelphia and live out her life there with Elizabeth. Or perhaps they would both go to Little Rock, where they knew Elisa would be there to take care of them. Fate had other plans. Elizabeth died fifteen years before Jane. Some years after Elizabeth died Jane moved to an assisted-living facility in Little Rock. There seemed to be an inverse relationship between Jane’s ability to take care of herself and her capacity to worry. As Jane became more dependent she became more accepting and less need to be critical. A kindness and grace seemed to emerge from somewhere inside her. She seemed to be able to accept life on its terms and people on theirs. There was a new beauty and poise about Jane’s spirit in her last years.

As Elizabeth’s son I received nothing but love and adoration from Jane. I was welcomed into her home and family as if I were her son and Elisa, Carol and Susan were my sisters. I was a boy and was excluded from the judgments Jane offered her daughters. My rough edges were excused, my heart was blessed and I was simply enjoyed by Jane and Wilbur. Or at least that is what she led me to believe.

I appreciated, always, her kindness to me. I remember how carefully she tended to the wasp sting I got on my eye when I was an eleven year old playing with Jack Rhae. Tea bags took out the poison, she said. But as I look on it now, it was her tender concern and time that made it all better.

After my mother and Betsy died, Jane and her family were all I had left. They continued to invite me and welcome me and Marietta. I didn’t see her as much as I should. I am so grateful that I could take for granted that Elisa would take care of her. And she did with help from Carol and Susan and Mattie and Ashley Sloan and the constant support of Ashley, Elisa’s husband.

Few know the burden of being the one there on the scene for the older parents, aunts and uncles. My mother was that person in the Daniel/Taylor family. Elisa has been that one for Jane and Sally Maude. I watched my mother carry that load with such grace. She seemed to enjoy being that person. But I saw what she did and I know something of what Elisa did. And I am eternally grateful to Elisa and wish I could have shared more of this burden.

Carol inherited from Jane her strong sense of family. She has given me a special place in her life. It is as if I am her brother. She has made Marietta her good friend. I have enjoyed the privilege of paying attention to her sons when they would let me. Carol consciously or unconsciously lived out Jane’s fantasy of being an artist. In many ways Carol’s art was beyond Jane’s understanding. In another way, just as Jane devoted her life to expressing the feminine, Carol’s art is focused on the essence of what it means to be feminine. She and her mother shared a great deal in spirit.

Susan was the baby girl, as I was the baby boy. We both struggled with our marriages. Susan hung tight to her detriment. And I kept getting thrown away until I finally found Marietta. Susan and I share the same profession. I wonder why that is: Surely that is evidence for something else that we share. Susan has admired me for reasons I don’t know and I’m especially proud that she read and liked my first book. Her mother was amazed that I could write a book and get it published, as was I. She read it too. Jane told me that she knew mother would be proud. That meant a lot to me.

Jane was our last drop of glue from the generation before. That glue is gone. Things will change. Death and rebirth are a circle. John’s daughter McKenzie Jane reminds us of that. We all have to move over and make room. We have to accept and appreciate the room that Jane’s leaving has created for all of us to grow. We have now to take on the legacy Jane and Mother gave us. Those of us in this generation are standing alone now with no one at our backs. Your children and grandchildren are pushing forward and we can feel ourselves moving back. Every day that passes we make peace with one more loss. We are afraid. We need one another. May we move toward our end as gracefully and courageously as Elizabeth, Jane, Aunt Margie, Hipop, Bobbobie, Aunt Selma and others that we didn’t know so well but who carried our families burden of caring, hoping wanting and all eventually losing.

I have imagined Jane and Mother meeting again in heaven. I could not have imagined it any better than Fanny Flagg in Can’t Wait to Get to Heaven.