Just a Tweak: Jan and Marie, Part Three: Forgiveness

Jan and Marie had successfully completed the five-step apology from Jan to Marie. This had been a great success. Then they moved into undoing the paragon screw-up cycle in which Jan began to face his responsibility to grow up and contain his angry impulses, and Marie began to slide down from her pedestal and join Jan in life's mess without her righteous, judgmental, innocent shield.

The next part of the session was devoted to forgiveness. This would be Marie’s work. I explained that forgiveness is a six-step process that is a slower process than the apology process.

“Marie, are you up for forgiving Jan?”

“Yes, that was a wonderful apology. I’ve never seen him express himself in such a kind way before, taking my words seriously like he did. I want this to work, and I want to do my part.”

An apology is emotionally draining and difficult, but an apology process does not take as much time. Forgiveness takes longer and, in its way, is just as hard. The first step is to ask yourself whether you have been given a competent apology—an apology that means what it said. A competent apology must be sincere and contrite. Shame must be expressed and it must be genuine.

“Do you have a competent apology?” I asked Marie.

“Yes,” she said.

“Well, that’s step one completed. But never forgive someone without a competent apology. If their apology is not sincere and contrite, you are just setting yourself up for more abuse.”

“There is also such a thing as what I call “spiritual forgiveness.” This is something you do for yourself, not for the other person. Its purpose is to cleanse yourself of bitterness and resentment. It is not meant to reconcile you with another person.”

In spiritual forgiveness, you bless the person, wish them well, put them in God’s hands, let go, and have nothing else to do with them.

“So do you understand the importance of a competent apology, Marie?”

“Yes, I’m ready for step two.”

“Step two is to look at Jan and say ‘I forgive you.’”

Marie did that.

“Step three may be the most difficult part of forgiveness. It is to put the past in the past and never, never bring it up again. This story is an old complaint. It does not belong in your life anymore.”

That would be great,” Jan said. “I hate it when she attacks me with stories about the past. They just pile up and I feel like I will never be forgiven.

“Yes, that happens," I said. "Can you do this Marie, put the past in the past?"

"I’m not sure. What if he continues his tantrums?"

"You have his promise," I said. "The past is no longer your weapon. Your new weapon is the contract and his promise. You can remind him of that."

"Yes, with his promise in place, I can put the past behind us."

"Okay, we’re ready for step four. Help Jan think about an amends, something that would let you know his promise is sincere."

"I will think about that," she said.

"Okay, now for step five: tell Jan you are in, that you’re committed to a future with him."

"I’ve always loved you. I want nothing more than to have this, our committed relationship, in my life."

"Now, the sixth step, and this takes time. Live into the future as Jan’s partner letting each day thaw your once frozen self and allow you to rebuild your complete trust in Jan again. And when you feel safe again, tell Jan that you are with him with no nagging reservations."

“Yes, that will take time, but I hope someday soon I can do that.”

These three parts were all one session. Jan and Marie seemed lighter and more relaxed when they left. I told them that what we did together today put the train on the right track. And it worked because they were friends, and they valued their friendship more than their egos.

All they needed was this little tweak.